These three items are of particular importance for me right now. I have been reviewing my footage and occasionally going back to earlier videos. I have noticed one glaring omission from nearly ALL of the videos.
That I rarely, if ever, smile. The face is in a perpetual state of dissatisfaction, or at least, unemotive.
Since becoming a hermit, I have also ceased to move as I play. Partly because I have a terrible set up for recording my videos. That is, I rarely can place my entire body in the frame so, if I do move half of me it out of frame. Now it is a habit to sit rigidly still.
The last issue I observe is the apparent disassociation with my playing. A lack of Presence. And by that, I mean it seems that I am always thinking or being occupied by other thoughts. It looks as though I am preoccupied by worry of intonation or about not getting enough views, or wondering if I should even be uploading videos at all.
Why Write About These Issues?
The reason for writing is one fold. (Is that even grammatically correct?) The sole purpose is for me to put myself out there more fully. It is as an exercise in self-improvement. Writing about my deficiencies seems like a step in the direction of getting to my goal of regaining my ability to play well again.
What is with Smiling then?
You know the one thing people would tell me in high school almost more than anything else? That was to SMILE. Without fail I would immediately think to myself that that was foolishness and they ‘weren’t going to tell me what to do’. Now I realize that it had nothing to do with controlling me. Rather it was a plea to my emotional state that I might eschew doom and gloom, which I was prone to feel.
Just yesterday, I decided to deliberately smile in a new video. It was a decision to help me remain present during the playing. Smiles done from the outside might only be mechanical exercises, but it does indeed affect results in a positive despite that. Not only that, I did one very unexpected thing during my 1 hour exercise of conscientiously smiling throughout my video—I went forward with my original plan!
This was interesting because I rarely follow through with something new. Or if it gets difficult I usually skip it and make excuses for not playing it. In the case of the smiling, I managed a decent percentage of time. It was mostly a feeling a smiling, but when viewed from the onlooker perspective, it was unfortunately not a very good smile.
This post, is in fact, an extension or a following thorough of the exercise. Writing it down it somewhat cathartic, but it also helps to solidify the results in my brain.